The Devastation of Adultery
Perhaps the devastation of adultery is best captured in this email I sent to one of my best friends three days after finding out about my wife’s affair. Certain words and names have been edited.
Is This For Real?
“I’m so sorry to have to share this with you both but I found out (3 days ago) that (my wife) has been having an affair for the past 3 months with another man. She was caught by that man’s wife and then came home and confessed to me. I put her on a plane that night and sent her to her sister’s in (another state) where she is now.
To say that I am filled with rage, hate, pain, and suicidal is not even scratching the surface. My father had to come to the house Sunday morning and save me from putting a bullet in my head. My parents stayed with me all day yesterday and will again today. My dad removed all the guns from the house as I don’t really want to take my life and leave my poor kids without a father. But the pain and rage comes in stages and when it does, I am helpless.
I was completely and utterly blindsided by this. We had no problems that I was aware of in our marriage. I loved her with all my heart and I thought she loved me. We had no ongoing fights or even tension. Our love life, in my opinion, was the most satisfying it had been in our 17 years of marriage. Apparently, all lies. Apparently I am not good enough and a terrible husband. I feel like whoever she was before she gave her life to Christ has come back and murdered the woman that I fell in love with.
As for me, I am devastated beyond anything I could ever image. She has taken EVERYTHING from me and my faith is hanging on by a thread. I don’t even know what world I’m living in right now. She has also wrecked the other home and betrayed that man’s wife. (She) was very outwardly devious and evil in how she went about this. She encouraged our friendship with this couple so that she could sleep with this man. We went out on group dates often the whole time they were (having sex) behind our back. The other couple are not Christians.
I don’t know what else to say right now other than I am struggling to survive this hell that I now find myself in. I am literally minute by minute. I have eaten once since (3 days ago) and slept about 4 hours in total since then.”
Will The Pain Ever Stop?
This is the first time I have re-read this email since I wrote it over a year ago. Honestly, I can’t even relate today to the level of pain I expressed the day I wrote that email. Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts. However, I can tell you that after a year, it hurts nothing like it did.
If you were blindsided like I was, perhaps you can relate. If you are in a Christian marriage, it’s like you are living in another world. Even if you suspected something, it doesn’t minimize the pain any less once the affair was confirmed. The devastation of adultery is real and spares no one involved.
Hang On To This Truth
Very early on in my healing process, I realized I had to focus my thoughts on the promises of God and what is true about His character. I started a note on my iPhone titled, “Thoughts to Remember”. When I felt myself falling off the cliff of emotion, I turned to these thoughts. Where did these thoughts come from? Mainly the Bible and author Oswald Chambers daily devotional titled, “My Utmost For His Highest”.
For today, hang on to this truth. Jesus is meeting with His disciples and introduces the person and role of the Holy Spirit to them. He further clarifies that soon He will be leaving them. However, He is only leaving them in physical form; Jesus will always be with His followers spiritually in the form of the Holy Spirit. So he says to them,
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NLT
These might seem impossible for you right now: trust, hope, living without fear, to forget, less pain, being loved again by another person, victory, confidence, a new or better marriage and a future. But with God, all things are possible (Matt 19:26).