The Devastation of Adultery

The Devastation of Adultery

Perhaps the devastation of adultery is best captured in this email I sent to one of my best friends three days after finding out about my wife’s affair.  Certain words and names have been edited.

Is This For Real?

“I’m so sorry to have to share this with you both but I found out (3 days ago) that (my wife) has been having an affair for the past 3 months with another man. She was caught by that man’s wife and then came home and confessed to me. I put her on a plane that night and sent her to her sister’s in (another state) where she is now.

To say that I am filled with rage, hate, pain, and suicidal is not even scratching the surface. My father had to come to the house Sunday morning and save me from putting a bullet in my head. My parents stayed with me all day yesterday and will again today. My dad removed all the guns from the house as I don’t really want to take my life and leave my poor kids without a father. But the pain and rage comes in stages and when it does, I am helpless.

I was completely and utterly blindsided by this. We had no problems that I was aware of in our marriage. I loved her with all my heart and I thought she loved me. We had no ongoing fights or even tension. Our love life, in my opinion, was the most satisfying it had been in our 17 years of marriage. Apparently, all lies. Apparently I am not good enough and a terrible husband. I feel like whoever she was before she gave her life to Christ has come back and murdered the woman that I fell in love with.

As for me, I am devastated beyond anything I could ever image. She has taken EVERYTHING from me and my faith is hanging on by a thread. I don’t even know what world I’m living in right now. She has also wrecked the other home and betrayed that man’s wife. (She) was very outwardly devious and evil in how she went about this. She encouraged our friendship with this couple so that she could sleep with this man. We went out on group dates often the whole time they were (having sex) behind our back. The other couple are not Christians.

I don’t know what else to say right now other than I am struggling to survive this hell that I now find myself in. I am literally minute by minute. I have eaten once since (3 days ago) and slept about 4 hours in total since then.”

Will The Pain Ever Stop?

This is the first time I have re-read this email since I wrote it over a year ago.  Honestly, I can’t even relate today to the level of pain I expressed the day I wrote that email.  Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts.  However, I can tell you that after a year, it hurts nothing like it did.

If you were blindsided like I was, perhaps you can relate.  If you are in a Christian marriage, it’s like you are living in another world.  Even if you suspected something, it doesn’t minimize the pain any less once the affair was confirmed.  The devastation of adultery is real and spares no one involved.

Hang On To This Truth

Very early on in my healing process, I realized I had to focus my thoughts on the promises of God and what is true about His character.  I started a note on my iPhone titled, “Thoughts to Remember”.  When I felt myself falling off the cliff of emotion, I turned to these thoughts.  Where did these thoughts come from?  Mainly the Bible and author Oswald Chambers daily devotional titled, “My Utmost For His Highest”.

For today, hang on to this truth.  Jesus is meeting with His disciples and introduces the person and role of the Holy Spirit to them.  He further clarifies that soon He will be leaving them.  However, He is only leaving them in physical form; Jesus will always be with His followers spiritually in the form of the Holy Spirit.  So he says to them,

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33 NLT

These might seem impossible for you right now: trust, hope, living without fear, to forget, less pain, being loved again by another person, victory, confidence, a new or better marriage and a future.  But with God, all things are possible (Matt 19:26).

If you are struggling with the devastation of adultery/infidelity in your marriage, please consider following our Facebook page Overcoming Adultery and joining our closed Facebook support group  Christian Help for Adultery.

 

15 thoughts on “The Devastation of Adultery

  1. I hope i will find a peace.for me now..I am a missing soul.I been married for 16year.But i tried to workout my relationship.I did not feel appreciated.I am not demanding.But i need love and care.I have one child with him.I try to go out in my country for two yrs.and 1mont,to give space.I resign in my worked before.I read some message.and heard something from him Which really hurt me.He never texted me for that 2yrs. And one month.Bt when i come back i did not see any excitement from him.Thats hurt me a lot.I tell to my self this is over.Now even upside and down…trying to fix my self..I know someday i gonna be ok.and look forward.

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  2. I also experienced the pain of being betrayed. It was just last February this year when I discovered that my husband is seeing someone else. I was so devastated,it seems that my world fall apart. I cried every night just to ease the pain that felt. Two weeks ago I decided to stop all the dramas, I will stand up fix myself and move forward. Thank God that I have my three kids who gives me so much love. They erased the sadness in me. My husband and I decided to fix everything and give our relationship a try. The pain is still there but my husband is doing his best for me to forget the bad memories. Glory to God!

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    1. Thanks for sharing. So sorry that you have to go through this. I am so happy to hear that you’ve decided to try and fix things! You can recover from this. Glory to God indeed! May He bless you on this journey.

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  3. When we are in th midst of storm in our marriage, God will always give us hope if we have strong faith on Him.
    I was betrayed and still living with until now. My husband had a child from another woman where they live in one roof. Weve been married for almost 10years now and we have 2 beautiful children. It happened after he left overseas for work. Been dealing with all this pain of betrayal for few years now, waiting ,praying and hoping that God will touch the mistress’ heart and my husband’s for them to stay away from each other. What’s all in my mind is that nothing is impossible with God, for He knows everything before these all happens.. I still have that faith, that somehow, there’s always a place for me, where there’s happiness and love, it may not be today but eventually.

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  4. I have a friend who had shared her frustrations to me. It goes this way, its been past four years when she discovered that her husband had a relationship with one of his office mates. When he confronted her husband, her husband accepted it and ask forgiveness and he was tempted to do it since he was away from his family and the other woman had been sharing all her problems to her. And now, the problem of my friend is. She said she had forgiven her husband but why whenever her husband does a thing that turned him off, she remembers the cheating acts of her husband especially that her husband is working in another place.

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    1. Adultery is so damaging that it leaves lasting scars for a long time. This is normal. There is a clinical diagnosis called “Post Infidelity Stress Disorder” (PISD) which has similarities to PTSD. When her husband hurts her in any way or disappoints her, the memories and hurt resurface from his cheating. This will happen for some while but can be healed. It just takes time.

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  5. It’s been 6 months that I have confirmed my husband’s affair to a co-worker. My husband works abroad so distance and communication was a challenge to us. We are doing fine, and always message me “what will I do without you mommy”, but suddenly by the end of November we started fighting a lot because I always caught him flirting by chatting random girls then all of the sudden he puts the blame to me that I’m not trusting him enough that’s why our relationship is not good. By second week of december, he began not to call or even sent messages and then He asked for all his savings to be transfered to a separate account. Just out of the blue, he would keep pushing me away that she don’t need me anymore. And there it was, I caught his affair, you know, I’m good with finding things out. The girls, gush!!! don’t want to say anything. It was devastating, because we are just married for a year and 7 months and this happens. He was very hooked with the girl that whatever the girl says he agreed to it. He even agreed taking our daughter as soon as he comes home and let her mistress taka care of her. And you know what, that girl has three kids which he also agreed to take care. He also spends so much money to that mistress that he neglected his duty to me and her daughter. Even though the things he’s doing to me was very harsh, I still pray to God to protect our marriage and our family. God keeps telling me to hold on to marriage even when I am already depress. Yes, I was depress, because the food that I eat, I vomit it. Nothing gets through my system, my body was getting weak, from 51kgs down to 42 kgs in just a month. I keep on praying and holding to what God has promised me but my body is shutting down. Then a message came and saying he’s going home even he had not finished his contract yet. And he really went home to us. As of now, I am struggling with the trauma i had with that experience, we decided to start over but the ugly words came out ib his mouth was just so striking to forget and it keeps ringing in my ears. How can I cope up with the pain, when what happened keep coming back to me?

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    1. This is why cheating is so damaging. It takes a long time for the hurt and bad memories to ease. It took me 12 months until I could even make any progress in counseling. But it does get better if you work on healing yourself. Counseling is important so that you can share your pain. Filling your head with hope is important. Read and much good Christian literature as you can and listen to songs filled with hope and promise. It’s ok to see a doctor and get medication for Depression. I have done that and it helped me greatly. Facing the pain and letting it out will help you cope with it.

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  6. Hi, Im currently on the phase wherein i will feel encouraged to work it out for the kids..but there will be times im so outraged and crying and being self pity miserable.
    I just wanted this pain end. I want to be happy. Every second everyday the thought of being cheated 3 times is gruelling. The confessions a month ago were so painful. I wanted to move on.

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